Beauty and the Beast
18 Oct 2010 Leave a Comment
I am in a really intense initiation process.
I seem to have a backlog of things, from this life or another one I don’t know, that are bubbling up to the surface right now because I am actually in a stable, secure place where I can handle it. I think. In my journey to become enlightened, I’ve been asking to integrate and love every single part of my human experience.
Wow, that was a bell that can’t be un-rung.
I want to say, I am ready for this to be over yesterday. Over the past few months, and most intensely lately I’ve been experiencing a lot of uncomfortable emotions like fear, anger, and depression. Sometimes I know what it’s about, but most of the time I don’t. Most of the time it just feels like emotional or physical pain. I also feel like over the past several months I’ve become disconnected from a lot of friends that used to be very close because I can’t afford the energy that I used to spend on them, and because I am so freaking sensitive that I can’t deal with anyone else’s stuff right now.
It’s hard for me, because I have studied a lot of Abraham Hicks and I really do believe in trying to find the best feeling thought and trying to move up the emotional scale. I don’t want to wallow in my misery. I want to break the negative-feeling patterns. A big part of me wants to be like ok, what is this drama about, I am ready to just be ok now. Get over it!
That isn’t working out so well for me, though. The more I try to push it away, the worse it gets. It’s like a chinese finger trap.
So, this morning when I woke up, and there it was, I just said “hi.” No scolding it, no saying “why me” “why now” or “go away”. I am experiencing pain right now, and that is ok. I think it’s great that I am in a place in my life where I can go through this healing process. I love it that I can feel many things at once, and that pain is not the only thing I am feeling right now. I am grateful for this opportunity to cultivate compassion for myself. It’s not the entirety of me, but it isn’t not-me either. I am done with the battle, and the kicking and screaming — I am going to try to learn how to dance with it.
